My Story, Pt. 3

Find Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

Part 3: Continuing Struggles

Wait...what? Continuing struggles? Is that how this works?

Many people believe that becoming a Christian and following God means that all your problems will disappear. They think that being depressed or anxious or having ADHD all magically gets better once you have "the joy of the Lord" inside you. And yes, this can happen sometimes. But sometimes, the story goes a little bit differently.

For me, the story has gone a lot differently. I have actually gotten worse mentally. My depression went from moderate to full-blown, can't function major depression. My anxiety went from low key nervousness to panic attacks. And I have had other mental health issues come up.

So what's going on? Do I have enough faith? Am I not trusting God?

No...just like with any disorder or disease, sometimes God heals and sometimes God displays His glory through brokenness. Since I was baptized, I have had no less than 4 episodes of major depression. And even though each one has gotten progressively worse, God's power and grace to sustain me has gotten progressively stronger. I wouldn't be here writing about this, talking about God's grace and glory if He hadn't walked me through those dark times. Because of the darkness, I can declare with certainty that God is real, that He is good and loving, and that He never leaves my side.

Right now, I spend $150 a month on counseling, I take antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, and I take melatonin supplements for sleep. I have nightmares on a regular basis, which are connected to my mental illnesses. I have sleeping issues all the time. I have anxiety attacks. This is all very real for me.

Yet I also have a group of people around me who have walked with me through my darkest moments and who have taught me that I am acceptable. I have faith that has been refined through the fire and has come out stronger. I have a deeper understanding of other people's pain and difficulties, and I can walk with them through those like I have been helped myself. I can be Jesus-like to others, just as others have been like Jesus to me. I can be a witness to God in a way I wouldn't have before.

I know I'm not the only one. I know others struggle, also. That's why I want to write this blog. That's why I want to tell them that there is hope. There is grace. And there is a better tomorrow. You might never be 100% healed (I don't think I will be), but you can receive the things you need to get through whatever it is that you are facing.