My Story, Pt. 1

I'm starting a series on my story, how God brought me to this point. This is the first post in the series.

Part 1: Before God

I was born in October 1991. My parents were not married, but separated when I was 4. I spent my childhood going back and forth between their houses every other week. The horrible thing about this arrangement is that a kid never feels like they have a home. They have two places they sleep, but no place they belong. There is no permanence or stability. Especially in my situation, where my father was extremely unpredictable, I did not feel like I belonged.

My father was also angry and abusive. I was ignored much of the time, unless he was angry. He often jumped from job to job, and that meant money was scarce. My mom was a single parent working full time, so was also often unavailable. I grew up raising myself in many ways, along with my younger brother (two years younger than me). In elementary school, I was teased because I have ADHD, which makes me loud and hyperactive. I did not have friends, and was often alone. I can remember being depressed even as a young child, and by sixth grade, was contemplating suicide.

I lost myself in books and my imagination, yet I did not dare to dream or believe that anything could get better. I used to daydream that I was adopted and that one day, my real family would come and get me. Those imaginary scenarios in my head got me through the years of abuse and neglect.

I started going to church in fourth grade, yet could not believe that God would want me. I was convinced that I was a mistake, that I was not worthwhile, and that He did not care what happened to me. I became a Christian because I was afraid of hell. My church did not teach "fire and brimstone" theology, but that is what I mentally picked up. I thought that as long as I could survive earth and not do bad things, then God might possibly bend His rules and allow me into heaven with all the good people.

...to be continued.

Find part 2 here and part 3 here.