My Story

Who am I and why am I writing a blog on mental illness?

My name is Heather. I am 22, and have struggled with mental illness as long as I can remember. My story is long and complicated, yet throughout it all, God's grace rings out. My hope in sharing is that you would see beyond me and glimpse the sustaining work of Christ in my life. There's no way I could have made it through any of my struggles without His intervention.

My Story, Pt. 1

I was born in October 1991. My parents were not married, but separated when I was 4. I spent my childhood going back and forth between their houses every other week. The horrible thing about this arrangement is that a kid never feels like they have a home. They have two places they sleep, but no place they belong. There is no permanence or stability. Especially in my situation, where my father was extremely unpredictable, I did not feel like I belonged.

My father was also angry and abusive. I was ignored much of the time, unless he was angry. He often jumped from job to job, and that meant money was scarce. My mom was a single parent working full time, so was also often unavailable. I grew up raising myself in many ways, along with my younger brother (two years younger than me). In elementary school, I was teased because I have ADHD, which makes me loud and hyperactive. I did not have friends, and was often alone. I can remember being depressed even as a young child, and by sixth grade, was contemplating suicide.

I lost myself in books and my imagination, yet I did not dare to dream or believe that anything could get better. I used to daydream that I was adopted and that one day, my real family would come and get me. Those imaginary scenarios in my head got me through the years of abuse and neglect.

I started going to church in fourth grade, yet could not believe that God would want me. I was convinced that I was a mistake, that I was not worthwhile, and that He did not care what happened to me. I became a Christian because I was afraid of hell. My church did not teach "fire and brimstone" theology, but that is what I mentally picked up. I thought that as long as I could survive earth and not do bad things, then God might possibly bend His rules and allow me into heaven with all the good people.

Part 2: Encountering God

In middle school, I began to encounter God. He began to walk with me through my life, and began to bring people into my life who breathed truth and hope into my circumstances. My world was in continual chaos, and I fought with the idea of suicide and death a lot, but I knew God did not want that, and so I managed to avoid it. It wasn't an option for me because murdering was wrong, and suicide was self-murder. Thankfully, that fear that doing things wrong would send me to hell kept me alive.

Things in my world got even more chaotic as I got older. My dad married my step-mom and that began a very tumultuous relationship, with fights and break-ups happening constantly. I was treated as the "go-between" between my parents, and they would get angry at me if I was forced to deliver a message that they did not like from my other parent. My father was also diagnosed as bipolar. By the time I as in high school, he did not have a steady place to live, and I was not seeing him more than every other weekend. But since no one would stand up to him, he often randomly appeared, demanded that I see him for the weekend, and I had to cancel any plans I had.

As a sophomore, I started attending my church, and as a junior I went to a teen girl's event called "The Revolve Tour". At that event, I finally listened to the message that God loves me. Through a series of situations where He confirmed that He was there for me and on my side, I truly began to whole-heartedly follow Him.

I was baptized about a year later, and my life began to change.


Part 3: Continuing Struggles

Wait...what? Continuing struggles? Is that how this works?

Many people believe that becoming a Christian and following God means that all your problems will disappear. They think that being depressed or anxious or having ADHD all magically gets better once you have "the joy of the Lord" inside you. And yes, this can happen sometimes. But sometimes, the story goes a little bit differently.

For me, the story has gone a lot differently. I have actually gotten worse mentally. My depression went from moderate to full-blown, can't function major depression. My anxiety went from low key nervousness to panic attacks. And I have had other mental health issues come up.

So what's going on? Do I have enough faith? Am I not trusting God?

No...just like with any disorder or disease, sometimes God heals and sometimes God displays His glory through brokenness. Since I was baptized, I have had no less than 4 episodes of major depression. And even though each one has gotten progressively worse, God's power and grace to sustain me has gotten progressively stronger. I wouldn't be here writing about this, talking about God's grace and glory if He hadn't walked me through those dark times. Because of the darkness, I can declare with certainty that God is real, that He is good and loving, and that He never leaves my side.

Right now, I go to counseling twice a month and take antidepressants. I have anxiety attacks and still deal with the effects of my life.

Yet I also have a group of people around me who have walked with me through my darkest moments and who have taught me that I am acceptable. I have faith that has been refined through the fire and has come out stronger. I have a deeper understanding of other people's pain and difficulties, and I can walk with them through those like I have been helped myself. I can be Jesus-like to others, just as others have been like Jesus to me. I can be a witness to God in a way I wouldn't have before.

I know I'm not the only one. I know others struggle, also. That's why I want to write this blog. That's why I want to tell them that there is hope. There is grace. And there is a better tomorrow. You might never be 100% healed (I don't think I will be), but you can receive the things you need to get through whatever it is that you are facing.