The Relationship Between Fear and Depression

Disclaimer: The things I'm about to write apply to me. They don't necessarily apply to everyone who is depressed and anxious. But if you have both depression and anxiety, take some time to read this and see if it sounds familiar.

I used to think my main problem was depression. I would get extremely sad and hopeless, and I did not understand why. Along with that came an incredible amount of fear and anxiety. The depression and anxiety would rotate off, making each other worse with every passing day.

But I always believed depression was the cause. I spent all my time trying to fight it off, thinking that if I beat it, the anxiety would go away as well. This is what I was told by the first psychologist I saw, too. My anxiety was brushed off as nothing but the result of feeling hopelessly depressed for too long.

However, I have come to learn that my depression, although the most serious and painful issue, was not the root issue. Here's how it worked for me: I would get anxious over something. Whether that be money, my appearance, other people's perception of me, or my failures, I would start worrying about it. Then I would do what someone I know called "spinning". I would start making the issue bigger and bigger. It would start taking over my thoughts and views of myself, and it would become my definition:

Failure. Hated. Worthless. Rejected.

These things would scream back at me and I would begin to believe them. I work begin to believe that I was a worthless failure who would never amount to anything. In my own mind, my fears would come true, which would lead to depression.

The problem was, I ignored the anxiety. It was so normal to me that I didn't even notice I was doing it. So it would feel like I became depressed out of nowhere. I couldn't understand what was happening.

It wasn't until I started honestly talking through my fears and inner beliefs in counseling that I began to recognize what was going on. Counseling allowed me to analyze and break down the pattern of fear and depression I had going. Getting a proper diagnosis of PTSD and all that comes with that helped immensely as well, since it was a completely different way of looking at why I struggled.

It's been almost two years since I started counseling and I am doing much better. I can fight off the anxiety long before it becomes depression, and the little bit of depression I do deal with doesn't last more than a few hours. I can understand why I became depressed and how to remind myself that my fears aren't true. And things are much better because of it.

My Story, Pt. 3

Find Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

Part 3: Continuing Struggles

Wait...what? Continuing struggles? Is that how this works?

Many people believe that becoming a Christian and following God means that all your problems will disappear. They think that being depressed or anxious or having ADHD all magically gets better once you have "the joy of the Lord" inside you. And yes, this can happen sometimes. But sometimes, the story goes a little bit differently.

For me, the story has gone a lot differently. I have actually gotten worse mentally. My depression went from moderate to full-blown, can't function major depression. My anxiety went from low key nervousness to panic attacks. And I have had other mental health issues come up.

So what's going on? Do I have enough faith? Am I not trusting God?

No...just like with any disorder or disease, sometimes God heals and sometimes God displays His glory through brokenness. Since I was baptized, I have had no less than 4 episodes of major depression. And even though each one has gotten progressively worse, God's power and grace to sustain me has gotten progressively stronger. I wouldn't be here writing about this, talking about God's grace and glory if He hadn't walked me through those dark times. Because of the darkness, I can declare with certainty that God is real, that He is good and loving, and that He never leaves my side.

Right now, I spend $150 a month on counseling, I take antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, and I take melatonin supplements for sleep. I have nightmares on a regular basis, which are connected to my mental illnesses. I have sleeping issues all the time. I have anxiety attacks. This is all very real for me.

Yet I also have a group of people around me who have walked with me through my darkest moments and who have taught me that I am acceptable. I have faith that has been refined through the fire and has come out stronger. I have a deeper understanding of other people's pain and difficulties, and I can walk with them through those like I have been helped myself. I can be Jesus-like to others, just as others have been like Jesus to me. I can be a witness to God in a way I wouldn't have before.

I know I'm not the only one. I know others struggle, also. That's why I want to write this blog. That's why I want to tell them that there is hope. There is grace. And there is a better tomorrow. You might never be 100% healed (I don't think I will be), but you can receive the things you need to get through whatever it is that you are facing.

My Story, Pt. 2

This is part 2 of my story. You can find part 1 here.

Part 2: Encountering God

In middle school, I began to encounter God. He began to walk with me through my life, and began to bring people into my life who breathed truth and hope into my circumstances. My world was in continual chaos, and I fought with the idea of suicide and death a lot, but I knew God did not want that, and so I managed to avoid it. It wasn't an option for me because murdering was wrong, and suicide was self-murder. Thankfully, that fear that doing things wrong would send me to hell kept me alive.

Things in my world got even more chaotic as I got older. My dad married my step-mom and that began a very tumultuous relationship, with fights and break-ups happening constantly. I was treated as the "go-between" between my parents, and they would get angry at me if I was forced to deliver a message that they did not like from my other parent. My father was also diagnosed as bipolar. By the time I as in high school, he did not have a steady place to live, and I was not seeing him more than every other weekend. But since no one would stand up to him, he often randomly appeared, demanded that I see him for the weekend, and I had to cancel any plans I had.

As a sophomore, I started attending my church, and as a junior I went to a teen girl's event called "The Revolve Tour". At that event, I finally listened to the message that God loves me. Through a series of situations where He confirmed that He was there for me and on my side, I truly began to whole-heartedly follow Him.

I was baptized about a year later, and my life began to change.

To be continued...

You can find part 3 here.

My Story, Pt. 1

I'm starting a series on my story, how God brought me to this point. This is the first post in the series.

Part 1: Before God

I was born in October 1991. My parents were not married, but separated when I was 4. I spent my childhood going back and forth between their houses every other week. The horrible thing about this arrangement is that a kid never feels like they have a home. They have two places they sleep, but no place they belong. There is no permanence or stability. Especially in my situation, where my father was extremely unpredictable, I did not feel like I belonged.

My father was also angry and abusive. I was ignored much of the time, unless he was angry. He often jumped from job to job, and that meant money was scarce. My mom was a single parent working full time, so was also often unavailable. I grew up raising myself in many ways, along with my younger brother (two years younger than me). In elementary school, I was teased because I have ADHD, which makes me loud and hyperactive. I did not have friends, and was often alone. I can remember being depressed even as a young child, and by sixth grade, was contemplating suicide.

I lost myself in books and my imagination, yet I did not dare to dream or believe that anything could get better. I used to daydream that I was adopted and that one day, my real family would come and get me. Those imaginary scenarios in my head got me through the years of abuse and neglect.

I started going to church in fourth grade, yet could not believe that God would want me. I was convinced that I was a mistake, that I was not worthwhile, and that He did not care what happened to me. I became a Christian because I was afraid of hell. My church did not teach "fire and brimstone" theology, but that is what I mentally picked up. I thought that as long as I could survive earth and not do bad things, then God might possibly bend His rules and allow me into heaven with all the good people.

...to be continued.

Find part 2 here and part 3 here.

The Start

There are so many places I could begin. I could talk about my story, fully telling every dirty detail. I could talk about my most recent, most severe encounter with the darkness of depression. I could provide a quick glance over my experiences and what they have done to me.

But instead, I think I want to start with a psalm, because it reminds me that my story and God's are continually colliding, weaving together to form one intricate tapestry of history.

Psalm 88

1 O Lord, God of my salvation, I cry out to you by day. I come to you at night.
2 Now hear my prayer; listen to my cry.
3 For my life is full of troubles, and death draws near.
4 I am as good as dead, like a strong man with no strength left.
5 They have left me among the dead, and I lie like a corpse in a grave. I am forgotten, cut off from your care.
6 You have thrown me into the lowest pit, into the darkest depths.
7 Your anger weighs me down; with wave after wave you have engulfed me.
Selah
8 You have driven my friends away by making me repulsive to them. I am in a trap with no way of escape.
9 My eyes are blinded by my tears. Each day I beg for your help, O Lord; I lift my hands to you for mercy.
10 Are your wonderful deeds of any use to the dead? Do the dead rise up and praise you?
Selah
11 Can those in the grave declare your unfailing love? Can they proclaim your faithfulness in the place of destruction?
12 Can the darkness speak of your wonderful deeds? Can anyone in the land of forgetfulness talk about your righteousness?
13 O Lord, I cry out to you. I will keep on pleading day by day.
14 O Lord, why do you reject me? Why do you turn your face from me?
15 I have been sick and close to death since my youth. I stand helpless and desperate before your terrors.
16 Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me. Your terrors have paralyzed me.
17 They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long. They have engulfed me completely.
18 You have taken away my companions and loved ones. Darkness is my closest friend.