I used to think my main problem was depression. I would get extremely sad and hopeless, and I did not understand why. Along with that came an incredible amount of fear and anxiety. The depression and anxiety would rotate off, making each other worse with every passing day.
But I always believed depression was the cause. I spent all my time trying to fight it off, thinking that if I beat it, the anxiety would go away as well. This is what I was told by the first psychologist I saw, too. My anxiety was brushed off as nothing but the result of feeling hopelessly depressed for too long.
However, I have come to learn that my depression, although the most serious and painful issue, was not the root issue. Here's how it worked for me: I would get anxious over something. Whether that be money, my appearance, other people's perception of me, or my failures, I would start worrying about it. Then I would do what someone I know called "spinning". I would start making the issue bigger and bigger. It would start taking over my thoughts and views of myself, and it would become my definition:
Failure. Hated. Worthless. Rejected.
These things would scream back at me and I would begin to believe them. I work begin to believe that I was a worthless failure who would never amount to anything. In my own mind, my fears would come true, which would lead to depression.
The problem was, I ignored the anxiety. It was so normal to me that I didn't even notice I was doing it. So it would feel like I became depressed out of nowhere. I couldn't understand what was happening.
It wasn't until I started honestly talking through my fears and inner beliefs in counseling that I began to recognize what was going on. Counseling allowed me to analyze and break down the pattern of fear and depression I had going. Getting a proper diagnosis of PTSD and all that comes with that helped immensely as well, since it was a completely different way of looking at why I struggled.
It's been almost two years since I started counseling and I am doing much better. I can fight off the anxiety long before it becomes depression, and the little bit of depression I do deal with doesn't last more than a few hours. I can understand why I became depressed and how to remind myself that my fears aren't true. And things are much better because of it.
